Understanding Unsafe People in Relationships: A Guide to Healthy Connections
- Nicole White
- Aug 21
- 5 min read
Updated: Sep 11

If it were easy to spot the differences between unsafe and safe people for potential relationships—whether friendships, workplace connections, or romantic interests—most of us wouldn't find ourselves entangled with toxic individuals.
This conclusion seems logical, but it overlooks critical insights into why toxic people exist and why many of us feel drained by unsafe relationships. We often find ourselves in personal or professional environments with individuals whose values clash with our own. This misalignment can lead to experiences of toxicity. By "relationship," I mean everything from casual interactions to deep friendships.
This article aims to achieve two goals: first, to dissect the existence of unsafe relational behaviors, and second, to provide a beginner's guide on distinguishing healthy, safe behaviors from risky and unsafe ones. This knowledge empowers us to make better decisions about how much of ourselves we invest in others—not out of fear or obligation, but from a place of energy and alignment.
What Makes People Unsafe?
The interpretation of what constitutes toxic or unsafe behavior is highly subjective and rooted in personal values. For instance, individuals who operate with integrity may appear toxic and threatening within deceptive environments, such as many workplaces. Conversely, someone manipulative may seem toxic among trustworthy individuals. It's all about perspective.
Here are three main categories that can make someone unsafe for you:
Values Misalignment
People often struggle to connect with those whose values differ significantly from their own. This misalignment can lead to discomfort or, in extreme cases, toxicity. For example, individuals who manipulate others may feel justified in their actions, making them uncomfortable around those who prioritize integrity. This is why capable, honest individuals often become targets in toxic workplaces. If incompetence and deceit are normalized, convincing others to change is futile.
Personality Disorders
Another sensitive topic involves individuals diagnosed (or undiagnosed) with personality or mental disorders. These conditions can lead to various behaviors that may resemble intentional deceit. Workplaces often lack the training to manage these situations effectively. Due to privacy concerns and a lack of self-disclosure, it can be challenging to identify these issues. Consequently, we may treat everyone as if they are the same, leading to conflicts and toxic environments characterized by poor communication and exploitation.
Alignment to the Status Quo
Even those who consider themselves good people can fall into this category. When a behavior or decision benefits them socially or financially, they may choose toxic actions over integrity. They rationalize their choices and gaslight those affected. Many people live by the mantra "the end justifies the means," suggesting that everyone has a price.
This mindset often elicits pushback. Some may ask, "What do you expect me to do, choose you over my comfort?" The answer is no. However, if someone is willing to sacrifice your well-being for their gain, they are not a safe person for you. Does this make them toxic? It's hard to say. What matters is that you limit your interactions with them. Just because someone has a justification for their behavior doesn't mean it's safe or acceptable.
It's essential to recognize that your energy and kindness are not owed to everyone. If someone hasn't proven themselves trustworthy, access to your kindness should be restricted. This approach may lead to being labeled unfriendly, but it's a necessary boundary to protect your energy.
How Will I Know?
To determine if you or those around you are safe individuals, pay attention to these six areas:
Consistency & Psychological Safety
Respect & Boundaries
Mutual Support & Recognition
Communication & Conduct
Conflict Handling & Accountability
The chart below outlines the differences between trustworthy and potentially risky individuals for each area:

A toxic person may initially appear trustworthy to gain your confidence, rushing to build an illusion of trust. In contrast, a safe person operates with integrity and trustworthiness, independent of your presence or what they might gain from you.
Truly trustworthy individuals are consistent and will not alter their behavior when you set boundaries. They expect the same from you while embodying and reciprocating respect. Healthy relationships are not characterized by confusion or manipulative behavior. Instead, they are built on mutual support and celebration. If you find yourself repeatedly setting boundaries with someone, it may be time to reconsider their role in your life.
We often encounter abusers and manipulators who hide their true intentions behind fake smiles and passive-aggressive behavior. It's crucial to equip ourselves with the social and emotional tools needed to protect against these types. Many coaches claim to have the secret to making others treat you well, but this is misleading. You cannot control others' behavior, nor should you waste energy trying. Instead, focus on building your emotional resilience to navigate poor behavior when it arises.
Summary
Ultimately, you are the one who decides who is safe and who is not. This decision should be based on your values and how you wish to be treated. Many of us find ourselves drained by toxic individuals because we haven't taken the time to understand our needs and values. We are socialized to give to others but not to receive. Early on, we learn about obligations but not how to set boundaries or request what we need.
To begin this journey of self-reflection, consider these questions:
What are my core values that I will not compromise?
How do I want to show up in the world?
How do I fill my own cup? Am I selective about how I share from that cup?
What are my limits, and why do they exist?
What will I accept from others, and what will I not?
What do my current relationships look like? Am I giving to people or systems that drain me? Who reciprocates, and who does not?
These questions can help you clarify your values and build a foundation for managing current and future relationships from a healthy, empowered place.
Don't allow others to drain you or obligate you to interact when they haven't earned that right. Even in the workplace, limit your interactions with toxic individuals as much as possible, and manage your energy when you must engage. Stand firm in your truth, regardless of how others may react.
If you'd like more tips on this topic, download the FREE guide: A Guide to Healthier Relationships.
If you're interested in scheduling a discovery call to learn more, click *here.
Nicole is an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from her own experiences and challenges, she hopes to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all.
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