Recognizing Covert Harm Toward Others

Covert harm in today's workplaces has become systemic- part of the fabric of the working environment, and invisible to all except those who are victims of it.

In a prior article, I talked about triangulation, and how it's an abuser's number one tool. Manipulative types love to use the people around them to do their dirty work in an effort to target others, while escaping accountability.

But, how do you know when others around you are being targeted? And how can you ensure you are not victimizing others inadvertently?

Recognizing Harm to Others

Even if you don’t feel like you’re being bullied or abused, it’s good to know and understand the general patterns of abuse so that you can protect yourself and speak up for others. Or- at the very least- not allow yourself to be used by workplace abusers to abuse others.

Here are some common patterns you can watch out for:

Exclusion

• Noticing someone is consistently left out- of emails, meetings or key updates

• The viewpoints and contributions of certain people (those being targeted) are ignored or mocked

• Those who are targeted are never rewarded or acknowledged publicly for their work (even when they are highly skilled)

• You’re told “Oh, don’t tell [X] yet” or similar things about a particular person- a way to get you triangulated into withholding helpful information from the targeted person

Unusual Criticism or Blame

• The target is criticized in meetings or in other social settings for small things or things out of their control (less psychological safety for the target)

• Frequently isolated from others: “[X] is just so.... ", "[X] is so hard to work with- you should watch out..." or "I suggest maybe someone else for the project...” (triangulation again)

Group Dynamics

• In group settings, the target is often talked over or cut-off

• The target’s input is ignored, but praised when presented by someone else

• The target is frequently scapegoated, regardless of context (they can never do anything right)

• There is often tension within teams (since people hold a perception of the target through the eyes of the abuser, and treat the target accordingly)

• Every little thing the target does is overanalyzed and assumed to have negative intent

Behavioral Changes in the Target

• The target resorts to over explaining themselves because of being constantly misunderstood/ apologizes for things that were not their fault

• Withdrawn, anxious, sad, avoidant

• Second-guesses themselves often

• Fearful of doing or saying the wrong things constantly

• Quality of work can appear to decline- this is often not a result of decline in skill, but of an effective sabotage/smear campaign

Covert Power Plays (a general feature of abusive workplaces)

• You notice alliances or silos where only certain people are trusted or consulted- even when others would be better choices/have better perspectives

• Excessive gatekeeping, or you may notice a person or group controls connections and narratives beyond their own departments or spheres of influence

• Plants: People who, in meetings, dogwhistle (saying a word or phrase that only the target would connect to) or make other statements that undermine or target the person being abused. This is often pre-scripted and pre-orchestrated. This isn't always the direct abuser- often they are the "flying monkeys" or minions that do whatever the abuser says- even if that's abuse others who have not harmed them.

Sabotage

• The target’s work is being altered, delayed or misrepresented in order to taint their reputation or tarnish their credibility

• Help and support is withheld from the target strategically

How You Can Help

Realizing you're witnessing covert abuse presents a tricky situation. Abusers are often socially rewarded for their behavior and have a network of loyal supporters who will (lie) and vouch for their character.

However, the role of a bystander is a powerful one- one that can directly interrupt the cycle of social reward for abuse- and save others around you from mental, social and emotional stress.

If you are hesitant about getting involved, try simply connecting with the target and offering your validation. This simple gesture can help targets feel less isolated- and show abusers that others may be on to them.

• If you are feeling a little braver, you can interrupt the abuse when you witness it. For example, if you're in a conversation where someone is gossiping, character assassinating, or sabotaging, you can redirect the energy. My favorite go-to is "Well, have you told [X] this?" Or " How have you tried to help [X] with this?" Their response will tell you exactly what their motives are- and protect you from being triangulated.

  
  

• Choose not to participate: Don't laugh at someone's expense. Don't stay silent when expected to.

• Normalize and reward healthy behaviors: This ties with the last point: don't socially reward poor behavior. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade. They'll hate you for it- but who wants their validation anyway?

  
  

• If possible, help support targeted employees by keeping them informed and helping them to identify organizational or external resources that may help.

What else? What have you done in the past to call out poor behavior, protect a coworker, or fight back against covert abuse?

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Nicole is an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from her own experiences and challenges, she hopes to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all.

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