But I'm a "Good Person"! - How Can I Cause Harm?

Especially in recent times, we may have found ourselves in discussions around mistreatment of others, and we may have heard various versions of the title " But I'm a good person!" "I don't harm anyone!"

Most of us want to believe this is true, but how many people really analyze their behavior enough to know if that statement is really true? If you were to ask someone this question, you may receive one of two responses:

• "Well, do YOU?!" (deflecting accountability and projecting blame) Or..

• "I don't want to talk about this. Things aren't always THAT deep..." (avoiding reflection altogether)

The average person would agree that causing others harm is wrong, and that we should not knowingly set out to hurt or harm anyone. And by knowingly, we tend to mean overtly violent and dangerous actions, like physical harm, damaging property or other noticeable, and undeniable, actions.

But why? Are people just heartless? Lacking character? Desensitized? Maybe.

Some people reading this may think: "Whoa, Nicole- this a lot. I mean, is it really that deep??" To which I say- if we're looking for true, long-lasting solutions to these issues, then yes- it is that deep.

So, let's explore why "I'm a good person" is such a common belief, and what is actually happening beyond the surface of this and other statements like these.

My Goal is Awareness, Not Judgment

If you've been following The Workplace Unfiltered for a while, you'll know that awareness is always key in fully understanding the issues we face. My goal with this article isn't to place blame, but to encourage accountability and help us all see connections between our own behaviors and beliefs, and the outcomes we see in our social spaces.

"Good People" Do in Fact Cause Harm

I'll start with a potentially controversial thought for us to dissect: people typically prioritize their emotional regulation and safety over morality.

Ponder that thought for a bit.

If nothing else, this explains 90% of ongoing harm in society, and in our workplaces. Of course there is always nuance, but this is something we all intuitively know- we just rarely talk about it or address the potential issues that come of it.

As a protective measure (to protect our feelings that we're "good" people, our emotions and our safety) we can develop and hold many different perspectives about covert harm:

• "It's got nothing to do with me." (Avoidance and deflection)

• "If no one talks about it, it goes away." (Avoidance)

• "If someone (or a group) has enough power, they can do what they want." (Victim mentality)

• "If I don't want to be targeted, I need to pretend everything is OK." (Prioritizing perceived safety)

• "There's nothing I can do about it." (Victim mentality)

• "Always be the bigger person." (Tolerate harm)

• "People don't ever treat me badly." (Denial or suppression)

• "I'm savvy and sophisticated if I learn to navigate around harm." (Reframing complacency and subjugation as wisdom to ease the dissonance)

If you have rationed away not speaking up or intervening when witnessing harm using statements like these, then you may be a "good" person who causes- and often enables- harm.

Morality requires responsibility- you can't really embody one without the other. And yet, the system has made us comfortable accepting bare minimum treatment in organizations, and in life, through false illusions of security and belonging.

Looking deeper, this ties into the topic on euphemistic language which I've talked about in the prior two articles of The Workplace Unfiltered, in that we tend to use euphemistic language to justify our actions (or inaction) in situations and systems where abuse routinely occurs.

A few examples:

• "Read the room": Said to make people feel as if they are savvy, but really this says, "be aware of and sense social threats, and follow the script to protect yourself." (Fear based)

• "Stay on your lane": Seen as maturity, when really it is about staying silent and shrinking yourself to fit in, and not making the wrong people angry. (Fear based)

• "Play the game": Said to sound sophisticated and savvy, but it really is about silence, disowning truth and being complicit in both your own and others' manipulation and abuse. (Dissonance)

• "Executive presence" is about performing what's acceptable to dominant culture to appear "professional" and worthy to those with power. It is not about being actually professional- it's about appeasement and keeping those in power comfortable. (Giving away your power and losing yourself for perceived benefits of the system)

• "That's just how things are" is said to reinforce the belief we should all just accept the system as is, stop trying to change things, and just accept harm and abuse because....everyone else has. (It's not how things have to be, but it's what we've allowed to be.)

• "Stop being dramatic/negative" is gaslighting, and signals that speaking up and aligning with truth is equal to being negative or dramatic, which socially ostracizes people - and creates the perfect environment for harm to continue.

If you have ever used these phrases or others like them- you have perpetuated harm.

Using these types of euphemisms shields us from the impacts of our behavior and justifies us prioritizing a false sense of safety over truth and justice. You might be reading this and think: "Well, moving in those ways bulleted above is just wisdom. It just makes sense to move like this, given the system that we're in..."- a mindset that has kept the system operating optimally and continuing to abuse and harm us - for false comfort.

Is that wisdom? Or is it that most of us have just given up and operate from a place of false hope, fear, and loss of agency? When speaking up in various workplaces, those sent to try to "get me in line" often lead with "Well, don't you want them to praise you?" Or "Don't you want to be promoted one day?" Or the even more cringeworthy, "Don't you want them to like you?"

No, lol- especially not if it means silencing what's right and erasing the very person that I am.

So, What Can You Do With This Information?

Some people may argue that as long as their being rewarded- socially, materially, etc. - then they aren't harmed and are merely making the system work for them. They've learned to accept a level of abuse for reward. And that should scare us, truthfully.

When people say things like "change requires sacrifice" it isn't because this is an inherent quality of change- but rather a side effect of being in a system that punishes truth and rewards ignorance and avoidance. The sacrifice is our comfort, only earned at the hands of losing autonomy, actual safety, and emotional stability. So, it becomes easier for people to just carry on with what they know- while continuing causing interpersonal and systemic harm in the process. And not only to others- but themselves as well. And that's the part that is hard for people to not only see but accept responsibility for.

The word "good" itself is often used euphemistically. To be "good" used to mean being principled, being moral, and oriented towards truth. Now, it seems to mean "being aligned", "nonthreatening", "compliant", and being morally flexible depending on the comfort of the group or society. For some people, "looking good" socially is the prize- but not actually "being good."

And maybe it's the meaning of the word "good" itself that should be examined. So, let's do that in the next article.

A closing thought: Intent does not erase impact. So, when you have some time to yourself, ponder how much or how little you align with the bulleted statements above, and ask yourself: what does being a "good" person actually mean - to me?

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