Bullying & the Undercover Workplace II-Profile of the Typical Abuser

In the first article, I talked about some reasons why abusers are usually successful in abusing others. If you haven't read that article yet, please read that first before proceeding here.

I think the first step in really understanding bullying and mobbing in the workplace is to get a real idea of what abusers (and abuse) looks like. In articles and posts everywhere, you'll be given the idea that bullies are overt, big, scarry people whose abuse is so overt and obnoxious that everyone would notice.

Those of us who've experienced it though understand that most bullying and mobbing manipulation happens right under everyone's noses, by the hands of your everyday-looking person- and most people are unaware of its presence.

Before we talk about why this is, let's spend some time talking about abusers and manipulators. What do they look like? What do they want?

Profile of an Abuser/Manipulator

Not all manipulators and abusers operate from the same space; there are a spectrum of reasons why abusers do what they do. On one end of the spectrum, you'll have the people who would otherwise be decent people but have been taught/have learned that manipulation is the only way to get what they want and to get ahead. So, they make it OK with themselves to use and abuse others by calling it "playing the game". On the other end you'll have sociopaths and psychopaths who have very dark motivations.

And...you'll have everyone in between. Regardless of the motivations, the impacts of abuse and manipulation are the same, and are inexcusable. However, it's a good starting point to understand that abusers are not always overtly aggressive, obvious, and outwardly destructive. This will help you to look for other things when discerning someone's behavior, which we'll get into shortly.

Let's first expand our perceptions of what bullies and manipulators may look like in the workplace (and really across all areas of life- they all use the same playbook):

• How do they look?

Contrary to popular belief, bullies are often well-established, well-connected people. They have the "right" image, say the "right" things and on the surface appear to have it all together. They are often (but not always) people who have status and connection- the types of folks you'd think wouldn't need to manipulate and abuse. But- this is probably how they arrived in their position- more on that later.

• They seek emotional control over victims in an attempt to control behavior.

This is why they try to emotionally trigger you. In the beginning, they will seem very interested in getting to know you, especially those things about you that you don't like, are sensitive to, or are otherwise problematic. Their intent is to use these things later against you to control your behavior.

I've had bosses and coworkers become increasingly irritated with me because they couldn't "figure out" my vulnerabilities. Again, normal people aren't on a mission to find out others' vulnerabilities; there is no need. The only reason why someone would need to know that information is if they plan to use it against you later. Now, let's also apply this principle to our societal workplace and social norms. Being seen as "too good" or "too perfect" typically is code language for "I can't figure out how to control or manipulate you."

• Abusers and manipulators are not usually the "lone ranger" or solitary person they are advertised to be.

They are often surrounded by a lot of people- the people they typically use to control and bully others. They influence others easily, using their image, connections and social status as leverage. The whole perception that psychopaths and bullies are lonely actors is a ploy to get you to look at the people typically being abused as the problem -another way they shield themselves from accountability.

• Manipulators can be dysregulated people who triangulate others in an attempt to control outcomes.

For example, in the workplace you may have someone who lacks skill but can and will manipulate others' perceptions to make others belief they are skilled (as opposed to using this energy to actually become skilled...smh).

We all know the well-positioned executive that, when you actually interact with them, you realize they aren't the sharpest crayon in the box. Or your coworker who is a social hire- they bring the vibes, avoid stirring up trouble, and are completely incompetent. For these types, they've used the social ladder, their connections, their compliance, and feigned relationships to achieve the success they otherwise feel they couldn't, simply based on their ability alone.

• Relationships are used as weapons.

People tend to automatically believe the person they've known the longest or the person they share most in common with. Manipulators use this to their advantage regularly. This is one reason why people who are unique or different are often targets- they're "easy pickings" due to being less relatable, and therefore, less believable.

When I've mentioned my concerns regarding manipulators and their behavior, I have always been seen as the untrustworthy one. This also illustrates yet another reason why targets are not believed and supported - and why manipulators focus so much on building relationships. It's not for the genuine connection, but to build a false sense of trust with those they triangulate that shields them from accountability.

• In front of others, they maintain a cheerful presence, even pretending to really like you (so that when you try to tell others of their behavior, no one believes you).

Targets of manipulation and abuse see who the manipulator really is, while others only know their facade. This is another reason why targets aren't believed when they attempt to share their experiences, and why most people refuse to believe that their perception of someone (especially if they have befriended them) is wrong. Others simply don't care and will blame you ("if they do mistreat you, there must be a reason why...").

Bystanders play a significant role in abuse and bullying- without you, many of the abuser's tactics would fall flat. It is your belief in their lies that contributes to the abuse of others.

• Abnormal thinking patterns.

Intentionally giving misleading or unclear information to others and creating conflict designed to throw you off task (to attempt to ruin your credibility with the others) are behaviors you as a victim would notice but may be undetectable by others.

People who aren't in the business of manipulating others may find those behaviors far-fetched, but one thing we need to realize is that people who are manipulators do not think "normally". Their minds are always in a mode of control and destroy. They do not interact with you or I from a genuine place- it is always about how they can come out on top, how they can control perceptions, and how they can escape accountability.

• Triangulation & Dog Whistling.

If you feel you've never been abused or manipulated at work (I can assure you, you most definitely have) while reading this, you may see things differently. You may not think that any of the behaviors above are "that bad". Or, you may think about times people have told you about their experiences and thought they were overreacting.

There is a term, called "dog whistling", which is when an abuser or manipulator does and says things only their target would pick up on- which is yet another ploy they use to abuse while escaping accountability. This article describes dog whistling in great detail. I encourage you to read through it- if you've been abused before this may give you some "a-ha" moments; if you're a bystander, consider if the people around you use this tactic to bully others, and ways you can help hold them accountable.

A Note on Human Behavior

People will always say things like "I've never seen [abuser] behave that way" or "they've never done anything like that to me." To which my response is - of course not. They need you in order to abuse others successfully, because you have proven yourself gullible and as a person who believes in their false persona. This may sound harsh, but it is often true. You've proven yourself loyal, or at least as someone who is not going to hold them accountable for their behavior. So, they may always treat you well, in exchange of being able to triangulate you and control your behavior. Have you ever noticed that as long as you're agreeable and compliant, people are nice to you? We're conditioned to believe that we're treated well because we're good people...but often, it's because we're obedient people. But that's a different article.

To test a manipulator or abuser: Try disagreeing with, holding accountable, or saying "no". Even if they don't immediately respond in a negative way (sometimes they will), you'll notice that how they interact with you will change, as well as how others you mutually know. It's a slow process of beginning to discredit you and alter others' perceptions of you, as a way to "get back at you" for saying no or holding them accountable. This is a typical manipulator's M.O. (modus operandi).

When it comes to manipulative behaviors, there are always signs. Once you begin to wake up from their trance, you'll begin to notice them. And....when you do (and you decide to call them out on it) you will see a different side of that person emerge.

As much as we'd like to think everyone is treating us nicely because we're good people (in our own opinions), what I've noticed is that many (manipulative) people treat you well because you do something for them- whether that be give them attention, help abuse their targets, or you give them some type of other social reward.

We'll dive into this aspect in the next article- stay tuned!

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Hi! I'm Nicole, an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from my own experiences and challenges, I hope to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all. Check out the other resources on this site for more ways to do just that!