Women in the Workplace IV: 8 Quiet Betrayals Between Women
- Nicole White
- Jun 22
- 8 min read
We often expect resistance from the top. From systems that weren’t built for us. From people who’ve never understood our life experiences.
But what happens when the harm comes sideways? From someone who looks like you. Sounds like you. Other women who should’ve had your back...but didn’t.
It’s a strange feeling, too- joining a new workplace, seeing someone you feel you should bond with, only to have that very person undermine, silence, or exclude you. She sides with the 'ops', and you're left feeling confused and, in some cases, betrayed. Like, girl, what in the world?!
And yet, this happens like clockwork, in workplaces all over the world. Quietly. Repeatedly. To too many of us, and no one really ever talked about it- until now.
Creators on social media platforms like YouTube, Instagram and TikTok have begun using their platforms to spread the word about the maliciousness of women. Ladies- we're not innocent and it's time to stop pointing the finger at men for everything, when we haven't quite figured out how to love and support each other. I said what I said- feel free to unsubscribe.
But, being the curious person I am, I thought I'd dig just a little bit deeper into this phenomenon. What's behind these behaviors? And more importantly, how do we identify when they're happening, and how do we protect ourselves?
But.....Why???????
At The Workplace Unfiltered we dig deep into the "undercover" aspects of workplace experiences and behavior. And, once you look beyond the surface, you'll notice similar patterns showing up. People respond to the systems they're subjected to. So, it's no surprise that these behaviors have deeply socialized and systemic reasons:
Women are often taught (indirectly through socialization):
There’s not enough space for all of us
Power is limited (scarcity mindset) - so if she rises, that means I fall
To survive, I have to align with power (even if it harms others)
To avoid discomfort, difference, or dissent (be likeable, assimilate)
To stay silent, pleasing, and accommodating, instead of clear, direct, bold and honest
And since our society (and therefore our workplaces) are built around performance, scarcity, and control, people find it more rewarding to compete than to connect and collaborate. To critique rather than celebrate. To withhold support, feedback or truth and call it “professionalism.” Sigh.
Women abuse other women as a survival mechanism within the patriarchy. See my previous articles on Machiavellianism- it's a "I'll get you before you get me" mindset.
What I feel makes female violence even more dangerous and insidious is the covert way in which it's carried out. They easily invoke plausible deniability, use their femininity as a weapon to escape accountability, and play victim when they're called on their b.s. Then, no one believes you- and the burden of proof is on you somehow to prove you're being abused.
Women- we have an accountability to ourselves and each other to keep us safe and thriving. Men are not our enemy, and certainly not the only ones causing us harm.
What It Can Look Like
Unfortunately, none of this is new. But what usually is the most jarring and off-putting aspect is that it often comes from women we thought would or should understand. Black women have been some of the most vicious and undermining toward me in the workplace. Older women have a reputation among younger women for being catty and envious. Married women seem to target single women in the workplace. The friendliest faces are often the ones with the biggest knives in the backs of others.
Women have been my antagonists at every company I've worked for or in (as a consultant).
Every. Single. One.
I realize this isn't everyone's experience, and reasons for that can be discussed in the next article. However, there are thousands of us here on LinkedIn and in other spaces who have been brave enough to share their stories- which somehow are all eerily similar. The patterns of behaviors cannot be ignored or written off as something being wrong with you or the common "you must have done something..." belief. If so many of us are experiencing the same things, what's really going on?
Here are some common behaviors/patterns of toxic women at work:
Coldness or exclusion masked as “neutrality”: "Oh, I don't really know her. I'm not getting involved/reaching out/supporting....."
Gatekeeping or subtly discrediting someone’s work
Gossip or undermining behind closed doors: "Do you know Lisa? What do you think about her? She seems a little....off....."
Refusing to amplify, support, or advocate for others: "Why can't she just figure it out for herself? I thought she was sooo great...."
Aligning with harmful people or systems to “stay safe”: " Oh, I know it's wrong but...I'm not sticking up for her and losing MY paycheck! ...Tuh...."
The lose-lose: As soon as you walk into a room, you're being sized up, compared and pegged as either friend or foe. And, the choice to see you as one or the other is purely based on the security and self-esteem of the women judging you. No matter how kind and friendly you are, if they've decided you're a threat, then you will be attacked. And nothing you can do will stop the attacks- they will remain threatened as long as their self-esteem is shattered.
Naming and Exposing These Behaviors for What they Really Are
Let's discuss in detail 8 more common patterns of incivility and abuse women engage in toward each other in the workplace:
The “Supportive in Public, Cold in Private” Colleague
What might be happening: This is nothing but performative allyship. She wants to appear supportive but feels threatened by your presence or voice. It's important that other people see her as supportive, kind, friendly - but not for her to actually be these things. She's protecting her image.
Tips:
Observe patterns over words and optics. Always. People can perform niceness and support while undermining you.
Don’t chase connection. Let people show up for you authentically. If they don't, let it go.
Protect your energy; it’s okay to keep relationships neutral/business oriented. Everyone doesn't need to be your friend/ally.
2. The Gatekeeper
What might be happening: She's operating out of a scarcity mindset. She’s protecting her status or access by deciding who gets to rise. If she feels threatened by you, she will limit your access as a way to control her own.
Tips:
Document patterns and bypass the bottleneck when needed.
Build relationships with others on your own, not just through her.
Don’t personalize her behavior as it's not about you. It’s about her fear and her lacking self-worth.
3. The Friendly Underminer (She smiles in your face....)
What might be happening: Envy disguised as concern or friendship. She wants to appear close to you so that her lies about you appear true. She may admire you but also feel resentful of your confidence, appearance, connections, competence and/or clarity. She deep down wants to be you.
Tips:
Don’t give her any more energy than needed. Distance is protection.
Avoid tit-for-tat energy...it's useless and doesn't do anything to change behavior. Rise above and stay rooted in the truth of who you are.
She wants you to lash out so that her lies about you can appear true. Don't fall for it.
4. The “One-Upper” or Constant Competitor
What might be happening: She's similar to the last one. She may feel threatened by your confidence or presence. The constant comparison is a defense against her own feelings of inadequacy.
Tips:
Recognize her behavior is a projection of her inner state.
Stay grounded in collaboration over competition...even if she isn’t there yet. No need to get in the pits with her.
Limit oversharing if your success is triggering constant competition. Keep your goals to yourself.
5. The Silent Discreditor
What might be happening: She sees your confidence as arrogance or feels inadequate next to you. Discrediting becomes her way to level the field (I need to bring her down a notch...).
Tips:
Document interactions if this affects your role in any way. Keep as much of your interactions with her in writing as possible.
Redirect the energy: “Let’s align on the shared outcome here.” Don't play into the lies. No need to defend yourself- your work, character and actions will speak for themselves.
You’re not responsible for managing her self-worth: stop walking on eggshells and show up in your power daily.
6. The “She’s Just Trying to Get Attention” Assumption
What might be happening: Patriarchal beauty standards combined with internalized misogyny results in resentment toward women (from other women) who fit (or appear to fit) those ideals. She may imply your success is due to your looks, charm or favoritism and not your skill.
Tips:
Lead with grounded confidence. Avoid over-explaining or shrinking back.
Build alliances where your full self is respected, not reduced to your appearance.
Don't focus any energy on disproving their childish assumptions.
7. The “Frozen Out by the Group” Phenomenon
What might be happening: Assumptions about attractiveness, competence, or perceived privilege. Others may exclude you based on their own insecurity, envy, or projection- even before getting to know you.
Tips:
Know this isn’t about you, it’s about the group’s toxic dynamics perceiving other women as "threats".
Offer connection but don’t chase it. If they reject you, count your blessings and move on. Often, their toxicity will rub off on you if you stay in proximity for too long.
8. The Backhanded Compliments and “Nice-Nasty” Interactions
What might be happening: You receive compliments that are subtly laced with judgment like “Must be nice......,” “You probably don’t have these problems,” or “We can’t all be perfect.” These are projections of insecurity or unresolved shame, packaged as humor or flattery.
Tips:
Stay emotionally neutral. Don’t engage in image-based power plays.
Model what it means to lead without needing to shrink or dominate.
Choose language that centers capability, not appearance.
These dynamics often thrive in silence because they’re hard to name without sounding like you’re accusing others or “making it about you.”
Your role is not to fix or educate those harming you. Your role is to protect your peace and clarity, set firm energetic boundaries, and surround yourself with people who don’t feel the need to dim others to feel safe.
What Can We Do?
The whole concept of sisterhood is hanging on by a thread. We don’t need more competition, projection, or performative sisterhood. We need to create:
Spaces to unlearn the scripts and expectations that have pit us against each other
Language to name what's happening to us and to hold each other accountable
Tools to rebuild trust and safety among women
Space to build the courage to call in the women who hurt others trying to survive a broken system
Compassion for ourselves to acknowledge the moments we’ve participated in it too
Pretending this dynamic between us doesn't exist, either because you feel you haven't experienced it (although I'm sure you have) or because you don't think it's your problem to solve isn't useful. Real change and liberation won’t come from being avoidant, emulating defunct power structures or the patriarchy. It will come from us choosing a different way to be powerful. Different ways of interacting. Different ways to build community.
If any of this resonates, I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Nicole is an organizational consultant and personal coach, who is passionate about inspiring the changes our society needs for all to thrive. Using lessons learned from her own experiences and challenges, she hopes to help people within organizations by creating mentally, socially, and emotionally healthy workplaces for all.
Help The Workplace Unfiltered reach more people! If you found this article useful, please like and share. If you are interested in workplace wellness coaching and would like to learn more, please visit:
Find useful tools and resources on my website: Icola Consulting (Instructional Design, Coaching & Consulting)
Register for my upcoming workshop: The Hidden Harm: Naming Covert Aggression Between Women here.
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