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Self-Orientation in Toxic Social Systems


If you've been following my "phrase of the day" posts recently, you'll notice a pattern- behaviors in toxic workplaces (or any social system) are malignant distortions of normal social behavioral patterns. This is the main reason why covert toxicity is so hard to spot, hard to prove, and why many of us can even experience abuse without realizing it.


When you find yourself in a toxic system that you can't immediately get away from, many people resort to protective behaviors (understandably so, I certainly have) and ways of thinking that keep us stuck in the distortions and toxic loop of abusers. For me, it was asking why and trying to "show them a better way"- one that they didn't want or value.


For others, it may be to fight fire with fire, playing the manipulation game and going tit for tat. That may produce a short-term feeling of relief, but it most certainly didn't stop the abuse- it just may have made it more covert. More importantly, it may have left you mentally and emotionally drained, having to constantly side-step the chaos.


A lot of my subscribers/followers here on LinkedIn are fellow practitioners, so I thought the topic of orientation might be an important conversation to open: what I am proposing is that the goal in eradicating workplace abuse isn't to focus on changing abuser behavior, but rather understanding the entire system that enables them, and how targets can take back your agency and decide how to engage with it, on their terms.


Let's explore this a bit now.


Orientation in Toxic Systems

What do I mean by 'orientation'?


To be oriented in this sense is to be able to step outside of your experience at work (or any toxic social system, they all use the same tactics) and see yourself and others from a systemic perspective, versus just your internal or emotional experience. This way of thinking and observing is your first line of defense against mental and emotional harm. Knowing that:


  • What you are seeing and experiencing on the surface is distortion (of you, your character, interpersonal relationships, etc.) and,

  • The people around you are functioning off social scripts and other automatic behavior in response to (not because of) how your presence may disrupt the system


...allows you to take the target off your back (in reality, not their distortion) and begin to move from a place of intention, instead of reactivity.


Our emotions are not to be ignored though- they are alarms that tell us something is off: our values don't align, something is happening that you may not be consciously picking up on yet, or they can remind us that we're simply not in the right space. Instead of using our emotions as triggers, use them as guides, which helps you to turn your attention internally, versus focusing externally and being pulled emotionally into toxic cycles.


Instead of trying to prove your point, making the bully understand, or wasting time trying to get others to see what's happening (usually a waste of time, but not always...) take time to first understand what's really happening around and to you, which helps you to learn how to be grounded in spaces that are programmed to dysregulate you. This way of seeing things helps you move from reacting based on emotions, to observing the patterns and behaviors around you, and choosing how you engage with that reality. This also helps you to depersonalize their experience and learn to see the system as a whole- as something that functions as it does, regardless of your presence in it.


What to Do

To be oriented also means to be aligned on goals that will create the space for real change. If you are an anti-workplace abuse advocate, HR, OD or L&D professional, leader or consultant, I encourage you to move away from only focusing on:


  • waking people up

  • correcting a bully's morality/mindset

  • out-arguing their distorted logic

  • trying to "outsmart" or "out-manipulate" abusers into good behavior


This sounds radical- but here me out.


Trying to focus on those things only pulls you back into the distortion loop, which is where they need you in order for their abuse and control to consume you. We have decades of proof that this approach doesn't solve the issue, so it's time to do something different.


Our goals as practitioners, leaders, and advocates are:


  • to help people see and understand the systems they're in

  • to help people become aware of and recognize harmful behaviors

  • to dismantle the distortions in toxic systems

  • to help people build mental and emotional strength that keeps who they are intact while navigating toxic systems

  • to teach/support people in deciding how to participate, comply in, resist or leave toxic environments


For real change, we have to release the distortion that the abuser has the power, then focus our attention on those that do- us. My guide linked below can help individuals orient themselves and understand the system they are really dealing with.


For us practitioners? I'm working on some tools and guides I'd be happy to share when they're ready. For now- what are your thoughts? What else do you think we can do to both support workplace abuse victims while also creating real systemic change?


Help The Workplace Unfiltered reach more people! If you found this article useful, please comment, like and share/repost. If you are interested in workplace wellness coaching and would like to learn more, you can:




 
 
 

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