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Regulation in the Toxic Workplace



Self-regulation and co-regulation are core skills needed for building and maintaining healthy relationships.


In healthy relationships, co-regulation and empathy work together to foster authentic connection, and to create space for all parties in the relationship to feel safe being themselves. Healthy co-regulation can involve helping someone name what they are struggling with, using reassuring words and tone to help someone, or simply being present. Your aim is not to control, fix, or offer fake warmth. It also uses self-regulation skills to help us know how and when to respond when others around us may be dysregulated.


What can make regulation toxic is when people have poor emotional intelligence, and more specifically poor self-regulation skills. Instead of being able to hold and process their feelings on their own, they demand that others manage their emotions for them. They are driven to force others to hold their discomfort, their insecurity, their distress.


Toxic systems take advantage of this normal human function and turn regulation into an expectation and obligation that you'll absorb chaos and abuse- for the sake of maintaining harmony in the relationship. The burden falls squarely on you to maintain the relationship- often with little to no consideration of your needs, and no reciprocity.


Healthy co-regulation at work:


  • Is optional, not demanded

  • Supports the work and organizational goals (instead of replacing it- in toxic workplaces work is never really about work)

  • Is a stabilizing force for all (not just for some and not others)

  • Supports authentic relationships and connection


Toxic co-regulation at work:


  • Uses social pressure (authority, influence) to shift group behavior on demand

  • Forces people to perform emotion and connection

  • Uses tone policing- you're expected to mimic/mirror everyone else (as opposed to being individuals)

  • Misinterprets calm, neutrality, and authenticity as a threat, or minimally as disengaged (since you are not performing...)

  • Manages interactions instead of collaborating to manage work (it's all about the hierarchy, positioning and perception managing)


Healthy people and systems see co-regulation as support. Toxic people and systems see it as control.


Why?

If you're like me, you may have asked yourself a question like "If people are wanting me to comply or join in, why is their go-to method to treat me badly?? Why would treating me badly inspire me to be anything like them? This doesn't make any sense?!"


Nope, it doesn't.


If you've been identified a threat to the status quo within the toxic workplace, then the regulation attempts shift. They are not trying to co-regulate with you anymore- they are trying to stabilize within themselves and regulate (control) the environment. You not responding to their toxic attempts at regulation throws them off- and since they haven't learned how to (or are choosing not to) manage their internal emotions effectively, they externalize the negativity inside them and project that onto you. Also at play is the need for predictability (for control)- if they can throw a bunch of triggers at you and have you respond, they now have a predictable way to gain a react from you. This is why they'll often repeat behaviors you've negatively responded to in the past.


Toxic people and systems operate in a distorted version of reality and seem unable to interact fully with reality as it is, without the need to control and contain it. Anyone showing up with healthy relational traits will trigger and dysregulate toxic people, and vice versa.


Some people, who may not realize they are being toxic (because they learned that this behavior is not only normal, but necessary) may feel rejected by you if you refuse to engage in the false narratives and fake connection. This can be another driver of hostile behavior from others who aren't intentionally toxic. However, the system uses this dynamic to its advantage, making this group of people just as destructive as those pulling the strings.


Breaking Out of the Loop

Most interactions within toxic systems (when you have been deemed a threat) will be regulation attempts (or at least containment, which we'll talk about in the next article). So, how can you identify a toxic regulation attempt?


Toxic Regulation Attempts in the Workplace

A regulation attempt in the toxic workplace is any move (verbal or nonverbal) designed to control or shape how you speak, think, and/or show up in the workplace. Here are a few common scenarios:


--You ask a question in your group/team chat. You're ignored. Conversation moves on as if you never asked.


  • What may be happening: They are trying to condition you to learn what types of questions to ask, and which to not.


-- In a meeting, you ask for more context or more information on a decision (in hopes of understanding it better). They just reply " Because leadership says so" or some variation of that phrase.


  • What may be happening: Similar to the first scenario, you're being conditioned not to question leadership. They force authority where explanation is more appropriate.


Other general examples of regulation attempts:


  • Fishing for reassurance or agreement, and displaying negative behaviors (pouting, scrunched face, etc.) until you align or agree

  • Problem solving is avoided and replaced with tone policing and emotional correction (how you say things is addressed, the problem isn't)

  • Attempting to force alignment using tension or scripted meetings that apply pressure

  • Softening messaging or using euphemistic language to avoid accountability

  • Redirecting you when you state the truth ("Let's zoom out" or "Let's not overthink this...")


And what should you do when you find yourself subjected to toxic co-regulation?


Step 1: Awareness of what's happening


Is the interaction geared toward genuine connection or orientation to a task/work? Or is the interaction focused on managing how you show up and/or keeping others comfortable? Is emotional and social alignment being demanded?


Step Two: Learning how to respond- and when not to


I'm still working through this one myself:


Just because you understand and can see what's happening, doesn't always mean it's on you to "fix things". Silence is not rude- it can be used strategically to help you center yourself, and reality, during these moments. Use pauses to interrupt the scripts.


Step Three: Stop managing other people's comfort at your expense


Toxic co-regulation is similar to the pop culture idea of energy vampires. Don't let people drain your energy- their comfort isn't your responsibility. Remember, healthy co-regulation is optional, not demanded, and doesn't use manipulative behaviors to force others to manage their emotions. You do not have to engage with that.


Step Four: Stay focused on the purpose for the interaction, not the interaction itself


Reverse the dynamic and re-center focus on the purpose for your interaction, and not controlling others behavior in the interaction.


Healthy people and environments don't demand you be anything other than who you are, and do not require you to absorb the emotional shortcomings of others. If the focus is more on controlling perceptions and interactions than the work to be done, you are facing toxic co-regulation in the toxic workplace.


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